this beer tastes like vomit already
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
