just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
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