The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
