got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
