i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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