theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Someone shit on the floor
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
I need a burrito and a hug.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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