so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Randomize
