hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
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