How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Randomize
