this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Randomize
