final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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