They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
