Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
