Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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