Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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