the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
try to milk me bitch
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
