I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Randomize
