she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
