can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Randomize
