So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
