we have pet lesbian snakes
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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