Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
