party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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