Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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