My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
being pregnant is like rehab
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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