someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
