I wish my penis had an off switch
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
