apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize