two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Randomize
