We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
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