You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
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