onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
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