The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
