i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
