the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
