he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Randomize
