When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
