Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
