My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Randomize
