Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
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