True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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