I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
