I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
You did what with his pubic hair?
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
