if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
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