Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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