honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
