I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
