sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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