It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Randomize
