Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
Randomize
