you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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