I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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