can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
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