Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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