The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
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