yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize