so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
