Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
bring money and cleavage
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Randomize
